You only have one chance to make them, as the cliché goes. It’s hard to overstate how far an initial contact can go in setting the tone for a first session, and from there, an ongoing relationship with your Mistress. Especially in this setting of professional BDSM, where Dominas get overwhelmed with prospective client emails and have to make decisions on who we’ll see or who we’ll reject, all based on limited, digital communications—it’s essential to get things started on the right foot. While every Mistress has her preferences, here are some of my personal tips and guidelines for making a favorable first impression. I think you’ll find many of them are universal.
Be aware of how your Domina likes to be addressed.
For me, it’s Mistress, or Mistress Lux, as you’ll see from my website. Simply “Lux” feels too informal coming from a stranger, and “sweetie,” “babe,” or even “beautiful” feels like I’m being catcalled. The opposite of a good first impression! Take your cues from what she calls herself, what names and titles she prefers.
Familiarize yourself with screening and deposit requirements.
It’s always frustrating to start planning out a scene and clearing my schedule, to discover that someone isn’t aware of these policies or thinks that they can be the one exception. Have your references ready, or make peace with the idea of sacrificing a little privacy for your Mistress’s comfort. While giving up personal information can feel vulnerable, sex workers are always vulnerable when we’re inviting new clients into our lives.
Use proper grammar and spelling, and don’t send one-liners.
I hate getting emails written in text language: “r u free?,” for example. Likewise, don’t write me a one-line email. Show me that this interaction means enough for you to take the time to write a proper introduction. I pride myself on my own written communication, and don’t like to invest the time writing thoughtful, comprehensive emails to someone who won’t offer me the same.
I have a somewhat strict policy of not taking same-day sessions with first-time subs (or usually established ones, either). In very rare circumstances I’ll make an exception—for example, if a domme I’m close friends with personally recommends you. In general, the more planning, the better. I take a lot of time to prepare for my sessions, I take what I do seriously, and I want you to have the best experience possible. A week’s notice (or more) is always preferred.
Be thorough about what you’re seeking.
Show me you’ve thought it over, are serious, and care about making this a memorable experience. Details are great: the mood you’re desiring, what’s most important to you in a scene, how you want to feel when it’s over. List activities you’re interested in, but go deeper than just a list. When you’re newer to BDSM, it’s understandable to not know everything about what you’d enjoy, but telling me a little more than “spanking, bondage,” for example, will show me that you’re sincere and serious.
Familiarize yourself with my interests, limits, and particular specialties.
Read what I offer and what I don’t. Don’t ever ask for things that are on my hard limits list. Better yet, take the opportunity to flatter me. What caught your eye on my site? What made you decide to contact me, and not the dozens of other talented dommes in my city?
Consider sending a gift.
It’s not required, but the subs who send a gift ahead of their first session get big points with me. It doesn’t have to be expensive or showy, just something to demonstrate that you’re appreciative. It goes a long way.
Avoid these red flags.
They can be said with the best of intentions, but there are a few things that make me cringe when I hear them from a prospective client. Don’t be that guy (or girl!).
“drama-free”: More often than not, when someone takes the initiative to tell me they’re “drama-free,” they turn out to be difficult. Don’t go into a situation with a negative presumption, expecting that “drama” is the norm, and it’s likely none will occur. Phrases like this can read as clues to your attitude and expectations. Make them positive.
“fit, white, attractive, successful”: To state it bluntly, I don’t care. What’s most important to me is that you are respectful. What’s second most important is that you’re fun to play with. Neither of these are contingent on race, body type, or socioeconomic standing. Of course, if your race, body type, or class status will be a potential factor in our scene (ie, if you have particular triggers, physical limitations, or want to be challenged in a certain way) feel free to share. Any personal details in that context are very welcome.
“I want you to be comfortable/How can I make you comfortable?” This one is tricky, and not universally an issue, depending on context. I list it here because it’s often said in conjunction with a refusal to abide by screening or deposit policies, ie: “I won’t do what you’ve asked, but still want to see you.” In ten years of professional BDSM, I’ve discovered what makes me comfortable and outlined it clearly. By the time I’ve agreed to step into a session, I am both comfortable and usually genuinely excited.
I hope these tips aid you in charming the dominatrix of your dreams. Be warm, be friendly, but not too informal. Make yourself stand out as someone she’s really excited to meet and play with. The extra bit of effort will pay off!